I've gone back and forth trying to decide if I should publish this post. Finally decided I would. It is very personal but helps me to deal with my anxiety and grief...
I have been very blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband (who puts up with me), two beautiful sons, a supportive family, a nice home, wonderful employers.... I started this blog in 2008 after a very difficult year. Jeff and I disagreed on the idea of if our family was complete. He was content with the two healthy relatively independent boys. He was also anxious because my pregnancy with Jared ended in delivery at 35 weeks after several emergent trips to the hospital. I wanted another child. We finally agreed in the winter of 2007 that we would try for another child. I got pregnant fairly easily in early 2008. Everything seemed to be going fine until I went in for a routine ultrasound at 6 weeks. There was a gestational sac by nothing else... no baby, no heartbeat. I had a follow up ultrasound the next week and there had been no growth and still no heartbeat. It is termed a "blighted ovum". After having this experience, I got much reassurance. Several people I know had a similar experience, the doctor felt it was an isolated incident. I should be able to get pregnant and have another child with no problem.
I got pregnant again in the summer of 2008. Needless to say I was a bit stressed about it. We were planning a trip to Yellowstone National Park in July. The doctor reassured me it was fine to go. I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks (right before we were scheduled to leave). Things looked good. Baby L. had a heartbeat. My doctor scheduled a follow up ultrasound for after we returned home from Yellowstone. When I had the second ultrasound it was devastating. The baby had no heart beat and fluid had begun to collect in his chest. Our baby was gone. I was a mess. I didn't understand how this could have happened. With both Alex and Jared we had good heartbeats at 6 weeks and I never gave it a second thought. I'd had no symptoms of miscarriage. The ultrasound tech speculated that is was most likely a chromosomal defect. I had a D&C and some tissue was sent to the lab for analysis. Results on the baby were inconclusive. I asked my doctor to do some lab work on me. We have 2 healthy children, I seem to have no trouble getting pregnant. She ran all the usual miscarriage risk labs- Jeff and I were normal. It all seemed to be a random fluke.
Summer passed. Alex started first grade. I got pregnant for third time in late fall 2008. It was shortly after the first loss would have been born. After being stressed about the second loss, I was downright terrified now. But it was all random, right? I had no risk factors. Things should go fine, right? I went in for an early ultrasound again at 7 weeks. Things looked good, again. We had a heart beat. I had a second ultrasound at 8 weeks. Still with a heartbeat! We were feeling good about it all. We were excited and told the boys. Alex was 6 and Jared was 3. The concept was a little hard to grasp but they were excited.
We rang in 2009. I had a follow up with the doctor at 9 weeks. It is a bit too soon to get a heart beat with the fetal doppler. She decided to do a quick ultrasound in her office. She wasn't seeing a heartbeat. This couldn't be happening again. She sent me down the hall to a specialist that had a bit better equipment and an ultrasound tech. After waiting for what seemed like forever, their ultrasound revealed no heart beat, fluid in the chest and head. Looking again to be chromosomal defect. I had another D&C. We did get an answer this time. The baby had Turner's Syndrome. A chromosomal defect that affects girls (they are missing an X chromosome). It is thought to be a factor in up to 15% of miscarriages.
It was hard for me to come to terms with it all. I felt a lot of anger. Why me? What did I do? Every time I would hear a news story about some beaten or killed infant or child, I would wonder why God had chosen to take my babies but give others those precious lives to waste.
I prayed for understanding. When I went to confession, Father told me to turn to Mary. I also felt guilt. I have two healthy, beautiful boys. There are lots of women who have not known that joy. Did I have a right to be so upset?
I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist. I was hoping to find some answers. She got the Turner's report and said that was very good news. Statistically there should only be a 1% chance of this happening again. She did some additional blood work and again we are perfectly normal. Three months went by and I had not had a period. I would get pains at my usual time but no cycle. I read about a complication of D&C's called Asherman's sydrome. Adhesions form in the uterus. I visited the specialist again and told her of my concerns. She arranged for a saline ultrasound. The saline ultrasound revealed some old tissue but no Asherman's. My cycles returned the next month. I was reassured that I wasn't permanently scarred.
Time flies, whether your having fun or not. 2009 was eventful. Jared had surgery in February for bilateral hernias. We welcomed two new nephews (Aidan and Chase) and offered up lots of prayers for Chase. Jeff worked hard to finish the basement. We traveled to Florida to see the Blue Angels with Grandpa and Grandma (no grand driving adventures that year).
2010 was busy. Two boys in sports. We had a grand adventure in Glacier National Park. The boys and I saw our first BEAR! (in the wild- Jeff had already seen several) Jared started school. My baby! It is hard to believe that I also have a third grader. I am much too young for that! In November I made a big change. I resigned from my job. Staying home has been wonderful but I still get a bit of guilt.
So now we get to my stressful time... I discovered shortly before Christmas that I am pregnant once again. I'd been feeling "different"- had a bit more energy and calmness. It is hard to describe. I had a similar feeling right before I discovered I was pregnant with Alex (don't recall this with Jared). Anyway, I took a test and it was faintly positive. I didn't really believe my eyes. I took another one and it was the same result. How do I deal with this? We've wanted another child and now here I am again. All I can do is put myself in God's hands. Do I dare to dream and plan? Will it all end again at 9 weeks?
I saw the doctor at 7 weeks and had an ultrasound with a heart beat. Jeff and I decided to keep things quiet until 12 weeks. My second ultrasound at 8 weeks had a good heartbeat as well. I waited 3 grueling weeks before I went to the doctor again. At 11 weeks I was not scheduled for an ultrasound. The doctor decided to take a quick peek since the nurse was unable to get a definite heartbeat with the doppler. I hate the ultrasound machine. Every time I look at it I get anxious. She found the heartbeat easily and the baby was jumping around in my uterus. After this visit we decided to tell the boys. They were so excited. They asked to take the ultrasound pictures to school. They've already voted for a baby brother.
So here I am at 13 weeks. I've had another ultrasound to look for chromosonal issues due to my advanced maternal age. Things are looking good so far. I know I will continue to be anxious until Aug 24 (and most likely beyond). Thanks for listening.
